In my role as a consultant and training provider many services and educators are surprised at times when I do not suggest to a child to say “sorry”. While i do value manners and taking responsibility for ones actions, I feel that “saying sorry” is for most of the time not authentic.
Saying sorry for young children can be an automatic response. If forced to say sorry, children can feel resentment hence learning very little about themselves. This approach carries no meaning or empathy and is often what I call “the band aid effect”… it may appear to fix the problem (graze or cut) but under that band aid the problem is still there.
So what do I do instead?
I view challenging behaviours and conflicts as potential learning opportunities. Opportunities for young children to learn about and explore emotions, reactions, behaviours and responses and of course learn new strategies and ways of responding. It is important for children to think about conflict as they are guided by a supportive adult. Talk about what they can do next time and more importantly what could they say that may help the other child feel safe.
Exploring the conflict relationship, emotions, new strategies and then talking about how to make another person feel safe requires the child to really consider another’s point of view. It supports empathy, well-being and self worth. More importantly it creates mindfulness about ones actions, words and character providing children with invaluable life skills and awareness of others and themselves.
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